Horror of success

She said: “No girl will ever want to date you.”

White had never asked any girl out either.  Bare thought of hanging / going out with a girl made him cringe. He wanted to look at them and enjoy what he saw but going out with a girl was big no – no. After all his mother taught him, he shouldn’t go out with any girls. Never fall for Love – Bullshit.   To make matters worse for him, he had secret crush on that girl which nobody knew. Nobody is supposed to enter his secret world.

Her words rang true into his ears. What affected his personality was truth that indeed he had no scope of asking girl out. He is too chicken to even go and say to girl that he likes her forget asking her out.  Those words said in innocence by a teenager girl who cared the least. She didn’t remember her own words after 2 days. However deep in conscience of the boy, they became blueprint of his life.  White wished he knew the truth that other people aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are. We lament for days, weeks, or years over some comment made in passing, by someone who forgot what they said 2 minutes after saying it. 

Other people's opinions of us are none of our business. Their opinions are their unfinished business

For 3 more years, White struggled in his own reality trying to figure out how to fix this part of his life. He shouldn’t fall in love is different issue but be wanted by someone that validated his survival. He is also one of the most difficult people to live with. He doesn’t have many friends.  He is abrasive, brash and blunt. He secretly wants to be loved but doesn’t really want to make effort to be loved. He would rather be a bully and pick fights. 

White was referred to a psychologist who wanted to give him sleeping pills that would make him less hyperactive.  His father wisely decided against it.  However, psychologist failed recognize core of all the struggles he was having – the low self esteem and complete insecurity. He was validation seeking and wanted desperate attention. He wouldn’t tolerate anyone paying him less attention and always ended up being center of attraction in the wrong way.

After 3 years, White stumbled on a book that shared principles of attraction. He started exploring more of such concepts and tried to internalize everything given in the book. Even today he is trying to internalize lot of habits that come natural to people who are good with opposite sex. However, for now he knows what is exactly happening and can pick up dynamics quickly. He is now able pin-point if couples are gelling well or were on edge for break up.  He can even make solid couple break for his own delight.

After 3 years White finally met a girl Shania who would accept White as her man. White started using the relationship as his laboratory. He kept on experimenting with new ideas and concepts. However, on deeper level it didn’t seem right to him. He would fill in missing piece in him by extrapolating lies that would impress the girl. White being well read man could utter brilliant amount of information and say stories as if he was part of them. He could share insight that would make his girlfriend squeal with admiration. She couldn’t get enough of him.

White slowly started losing confidence in his own ability to keep girl connected with him. He required all the external stories and factors to be that wow factor. Somehow women can sense that and be edgy with you. I still don’t get how women are able to smell your deepest fear and act on it.  White started going out with other women while he was still dating his first ever girl.  As White was extremely good analyst, he copied whatever he learnt from his relationship and adapt it to his personality.  The famous cliché is “When it gets going, it gets gunnin.”  White stumbled on art of persuasion and manipulation. He became so good that he was able to convince Shania that it was okay that he dated other girls. He could convince gullible Shania to do anything.  During day he would go out and meet different women but at night he would fall back for Shania. It was acceptable with Shania.

White wanted to test his luck even further; he started messing with Shania sexuality. End result was that White was convinced that his girlfriend is now a bisexual and he can enjoy kinky stuff like threesomes and other stuff. He started training Shania about how to get good with women. Slowly, they would go out together to pick girls.  However, the golden period didn’t last long, Shania and White got on fight regarding some girl. Shania loved some other girl where as White couldn’t stand other girl.  He wanted to get rid of the 3^rd girl as soon as possible. After constant fights with Shania, he drove her away. She started resenting him and decided to leave White for other girl. Welcome to the circle of life.

White shattered by the betrayal, took full 6 months to recover from depression. His life always found a way to curse him.  Girls he would go out would get him in some trouble.  He would be in fights that he had no intention to fight.  He didn’t choose his battle wisely and was slammed for it.  I am not sure if Shania was a tool for White to enter world of womanizing or he secretly loved her too much that he overcompensated.  I feel deep down White still loves Shania. She was his soul and delight. She is the one to whom he owes all his success.

White success with women caused more people to hammer him and start rumor mill on him. Even till today his character manages to be center of attention and get rumor mill running except now stories are much more juicer and even cracks White up.  People work extra hard to give him hard time. Somehow White is undeterred with all the chaos and regale.  White becoming wiser as more and more women educates him. 

Today, White feels extremely confident in his faculties. He has picked up more hobbies than anyone around him. His passion for women drives him to be his best to get the best. He wouldn’t compromise his discipline and ethics for anybody.  He has become wiser and slowly dismisses all regards that would make other petrified. His confidence is rock solid and he might be unshakable. However, all success comes at a price.  White has earned more people who would do everything in their power that would stop him from succeeding in life.  He also has lost capability to maintain long term relationship. He will always go out and meet new women when he is in relationship. He can’t handle any drama regarding women at all because the amount of time he can spend dealing with negativity provided by a woman, he would rather utilize it to meet new woman who gives him his happiness.  Somehow, such relationship leaves him hollow for deeper relationship.

Now, women want him to be part of their life and he is uninterested in them.  Whenever you fight against the natural order, vicious circle of life always end up finding same result in different scenario for you. But White does say “if you want those girls to be yours, don’t let yourself have ego worth 5 cents.” 

Gazelle Atkina : Story of Intellectual Adventure

From the deep root of the nation, between the marshes, rose a brazen asbesto Atkina.  Brought up as free spirited girl, she was molded as likes of Octavia (Mother of Octavian Caesar) and Lucretia (the warrior sweetheart of Alexander of Macedonia).   It was difficult to differentiate her among the warriors when she donned the armor, shield and the sword of Kraxen.

Her sword was from the deep furnace of the volcanic ashes of Mt. Canopia and was made of the best iron, bronze and mixture of various alloys. The sword screamed for blood, like the blood was its food.  It is said that her sword was made by Hera herself, to fight with Pantheona.

However, when she is walking among the mortals, her beauty can even make Phoenix blush. She has dark long locks and pearl white skin, like a fairy.  She stands only among the equals. Her high cheekbones made her look much younger than her age. She radiated a very ecstatic personality with zeal to do something important (may be something magnanimous).

One dawn, she was riding a blue-eyed white handsome Arabian horse through the woods. Lush green leaves whistled and dance in their joy. In middle of woods, she saw a brown girl in a deep blue Persian robe. The girl made Atkina stop in her tracks. Generally, such a crime would result in a duel with Atkina.  However, unmoved by the splendor of Atkina & her horse, Basseus, who was unaware of the identity of Atkina, informed her that a tree has fallen down and she should go in another direction or go back.

Unlike Atkina, this girl looked fragile and feminine. There was something mysterious about the girl that nobody could understand. Why was she in woods all by herself? There was no animal in the sight, which means either she lived nearby or she was up to some task.  Atkina asked the girl for her name and where she was from. The girl replied "Pragina, from near valley of Rohan - the precious."

Atkina immediately understood that the girl was a Pelian.  Pelians are girls born by a warrior and another Pelian.  If couple first born is a son, he is passed to the emperor and if first born is a girl, she is sent to Oracle.  In Oracle, girls are supposed to stay within the confinement of the Oracle backyard until the day of Olympics at their suitable age.  The victorious warrior or athletes in different sports win the hand of the girl.  Oracle is also a temple where people of Sparta ask questions to the God.  The priest deciphers the voice of the God and translates it for the people.

Due to such restrictions, it is considered a lucky sight when a Pelian girl comes before a man.  It is considered as acceptance of the prayer by the God.  Most of the soldiers, who are recruited, are appointed to the duty on the opening day of Olympics, where they get to view such a magnificent ceremony first hand.  Those little soldiers grow up to dream to become superior men so that they can win the hand of a Pelian.    

Atkina understood that she is near the Oracle of Delphi; a place where women are considered unholy and a distraction to the God and the priest.  No woman has ever crossed the hammam (unisexual public bath) of the region.  The sky started to grow dark.  Pragina offered Atkina to spend the night at Delphi nearby.

As Atkina isn't a Pelian, she had to be sneaked in the Delphi.  As the night passed, the bond between Pragina grew deeper.  The two women found the world of the other woman very mystical and magical.  It was pragmatic to share the culture and legends of their world.  As the dawn struck, valiant Atkina marched to the castle.

On her way back, she saw a man sitting with leisurely pride.  He is peaceful and joyous.  People around him looked at him for approval to laugh, as if he is the leader of the tribe.  He unequivocally gave everyone permission to do things which they were scared of doing.  People didn't know they seek his approval, but since when did great leaders start showing off their abilities.  They are silent leaders with silent power.  Intrigued by the sight, Atkina asked the little boy about the man's name.  Before the boy could answer her query, the leader came as if he had already read her mind. He introduced himself as Bhuvo.

The man was considered the leader of the village.  People would come around him to ask for his opinion and he would provide them solutions.  Usually, such roles are maintained by old folks of the village.  However Bhuvo was refreshingly young. The man gave a feeling that the world has suddenly grown young.  Atkina had several questions about life; Bhuvo answered each one of them with his own anecdote.  Anecdotes had no co-relation with Atkina, yet they somehow managed to make sense to her.

After Bhuvo peacefully answered every query, he asked for permission to leave. He requested, he had to go for his meal and she was most welcome to join him. Atkina however, declined the invitation as she had half a day journey left to the castle.  She graciously asked permission to leave and again started strolling towards the castle.

Atkina galloped way to the top of the hill. Due to her half day ride, she was tired, hungry and thirsty.  She saw a long queue of women around some wall.  They were pulling out water from the well.  She quickly strode to the derby and asked the women where she could rest and get a meal.

As Atkina was dressed like a man, the women in village found it difficult to distinguish her from a man. They showed her the way to market, where she can get everything she wanted.  She decided to ride the city of Xexis.  There is a legend of the city that Xerxes the great and his thousand men wanted this city to be the most modern city of all of Ithaca.  Even Alexander the great couldn't resist his greed to enter this city and establish his own authority there. From the time of Xerxes till date, there is nothing that can alter the vivacity of Xexis.  Even historians refer to the city as delight of the dreams; a city where all the dreams come true.

Generally, Alexander treated all cities with respect.  He kept them intact and appointed a satrap to head the city in his place.  However, when he came to Xexis, he wanted to burn the city down. He didn't want single piece of the city elude greater awe than himself.  He was able to set half the city on fire, but, the other half was too strong for his amusement.  Legend has it, Leptine (the warrior princess who wanted nothing but be wrapped around the master) convinced him to leave the city intact and not try harder to destroy it as it would be an insult to memory of Achilles and Xerxes, the two men who Alexander greatly admired and respected, as they were his ancestors.

When Atkina entered Xexis, she couldn't help but be spell bound.  The food in the city market was nothing short of ambrosia.  The variety, color and shapes attracted even the most contrite of men.  The food looked so invigorating that it could even tempt the saint.  The way city architect was developed, viewer could just believe the audacity of the developer.  He had courage to develop something that even Gods in heaven would admire. 

She rode to the city market and stopped by a shop for a glass of kahlua mixed in specialized ancient herbs.  As soon as she finished drinking her kahlua, she let out a huge gasp.  It was like she had consumed an elixir which removed her from all the travel fatigue.  She let herself free. It’s difficult to remember when the last time Atkina felt so ecstatic.  She just wanted to hum some carols.

Just across the street she saw a man with an eye patch.  A man was very preoccupied in his work, consumed in his own trance.  Every two moments he would murmur something to himself and scream EUREKA!  It was difficult to figure what that man did but whatever he was doing, was providing him a great joy.  It confused Atkina even further that whatever he was doing wasn't something she could give name.  She couldn't resist but approach the man and inquire about what he was doing. The more questions she asked, she ended up having even more questions. It seemed like she had reached the abyss of questions- which could be answered by asking deeper and correct questions.  In fact, whenever Atkina asked a question, she was reticent about the answer.  She wanted to put a label to him so that she could define him. However his enigma, made her intrigued about him. She wanted to laugh at his answer and even him.  But as soon as she stepped out, she boomeranged herself in.

The Gentleman was amused by state of Atkina's trouble and her mindset.  He looked deep in her eyes and smiled gleefully at her misery.  Atkina also grew comfortable with the idea that the gentleman could smile and laugh at anything because he has perusal of finding humor in anything.  The joy of a child eating candy can't be described but it looks cute.  However, when the same joy is found in the eyes of an adult, it seems ridiculous, annoying and can scare many. Adults aren't meant to be happy; they are just supposed to be responsible, saving the world, have meaningful events or else they are a failure.  It is difficult to digest such delight in the eyes of an dult without labeling him immature, childish and prude.  The paradox of life is that having that child like qualities enables them to live a better life.

When someone is in control of their life, it is easy to find muse in small things because it is quintessential they look beyond small hurdles of life and enjoy life.  It is essential to remain pragmatic yet be able to enjoy the joy of living.  It is also essential to be driven by passion to achieve something beyond the personal realms with hardship and utmost discipline.  All the inspiring stories we hear are about the journey to the goal and not a man who achieved his goal. It is because the journey is what makes the character and not the goal.  As Hannibal the great quoted “Choose your battle wisely, but once chosen find the way.”

Even though Atkina curiosity knew no bounds, she decided to finish her quest in getting back to the castle.  She didn’t ask the  man’s name because it didn’t really matter.  The lessons she learnt in the small duration with him was what mattered.  She reached her castle before nightfall, just before the mandatory close down of  the castle.  She went to bed right away, but found herself unable to sleep.  All she could do was recapture the small moments she had during the day and smile about it.  It is this time she realized, that this was an adventure that contrasted from all her adventures.  She didn’t require fury, vengeance and thrill to have a great adventure.  A great adventure can be when horizons of your mind open up beyond the small realms of the connected world.  Adventures can be perfunctory physically, however, very episodic in the mentally.




Today was the day she met various distinguishing people yet all of them were mere catalysts that allowed her drab journey back to the castle to be eventful.  There she is on top of the castle, still waiting for the prince who will sweep her away.  For now, she has learned to distinguish between intelligence and wisdom and the bridge that is required to connect them.  The brazen beauty finally managed to close her eyes, ready for the next adventure.

“ Aut viam inveniam aut faciam”